The Fear of Failure

I don't know how many people stress on failure. I find that I do. I have a sneaking suspicion it is a lot of people stressing as I pick up on it.

It would be nice to be happy and content all the time. I have done it occasionally and it truly is. It's like a quiet song humming in the soul.

But the reality that we are all supposed to be creating for ourselves kicks in with serious static.

I wonder that Daryn is not right. This Law of Attraction stuff is arrogant in how it demands that the Universe supply what we focus on.  Where does the gentle hand of God or Goddess fit into that? Can we really make demands of the Divine? Use our will to focus into reality what we want?

That does seem arrogant and not very open to receiving.

I think Dr. Dain and Guruji are right. You have to be open and grateful to receiving and especially knock off the judgment part on the gift. We become  ungrateful comparing what we have to others, like kids comparing gifts at Christmas and taking in that others are sneering at our presents.

Then we go home to cry having lost sight of the love that came with the Gift.

Beloved Divine, grant me the peace of non judgment.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Tapping and Gratitude for Bad Health

This morning was an energetic wake up. More Trivedi sleep effect. It was also a morning for tapping and ho o pono pono.

There was this accident you see. Three car pile up sandwich with me and my car being the pastrami in between  two slices of truck rye. Went to the ER with some seriously jacked blood pressure and haven't quite felt the same since.

Worry some, that.

Anyway I hit the tapping points on being scared and that helped. Also Ho o pono pono on the neglect of my body, and it felt better.

What felt the best was that I did wake up and there is help to do for others.

Gratitude and tapping are a nice double dose of health medicine.

The Tarot I did not long ago showed Death in the immediate future.

Could be spiritual. Maybe not.

It's OK. I have had one unbelievable life. So many wonderful learnings. So many people it was a blessing to meet and know. My son, my sisters, my baby bug grand daughter. Never thought I'd get that but there she is. Four years worth almost.

I would miss Kiki and Brian terribly. Might hang around in between lives to watch over those two.
But all in all it would be OK. Death is an old dear friend when you understand
reincarnation.

Gratia Dea. I have another bit of time to be awake and helping.

Gratia, gratia, gratia.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Trivedi Sleep Effect

I m noticing the sleep patterns are permanently shifted. At first I thought it might be stress that was cutting my sleep down to 5-6 hours. But there has been too much energy. I am having a harder time finding enough interesting things to do.

Fortunately the new job handles a good deal of that, at least for now.
I think a good goals session is in order when I get back and a dose of Lofholm-isms on the subject of time choices.

Other then that not much to say. I don't feel the connection as easily to the Divine but there is a dose of Trivedi on the horizon. I get that She is there. I have to reach harder to feel the flow.

Time to sow not to reap.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Fear is a Four Letter Word

This one is new. I have not had this experience at this level in awhile. Maybe I was just not aware of it before so much as now.

I'm scared. I am out on a very thin wire in a high wind. This is very dangerous what is happening in my life.

What it all boils down to is I am trying to follow what is being given to me and trust that it is right.

Yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow has never felt so real.
Ground Zero was a piece of cake by comparison as that was real and very present physical danger.

Not this. This is subtle slow and horrifying in the possibilities for failure.

So I am honoring it. This is how I feel and I have every right to.

And I move on.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

Fear itself

I have never found any resonance with that old sawdust dry expression, that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. I didn't get it.

Today I do.

Today is the second day in a completely blah dead boring hotel in a completely inane excuse for a city trying desperately to manage a new job training.

I was terrified coming here. I still have reason to fear.

But the fear itself was the worst enemy.

It was the fear for the future you see, as Guruji says, but also just new and unknown day to day.

It is settling out. And I am still worried. I am not so all fired good at this scripting that I think I am going to be ace this scene.

But I do know the game. And I think I can still play.

That is definitely something

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna

IS this the next learning? Yes I do believe so.

Of late I have been very busy indeed. Being anxious...scared even. Moving out of this fixed condition by trying something new. Frigging intense that. No Certainty. Much fear from the future as Guruji might say.

But I can't help but notice how things are falling into place. So this is what I  am supposed to be doing. And in the mix I will learn about money.

I have always made an income. It has been only of late, being in the wrong work that it has been hard. This new work looks good, but then there is more.

There is the Internet...the kindle publishing. So many ways have opened up.

The thing needed will be the discipline and strength to persist and make it happen.

That is also more learning. I used to be disciplined. I used to be strong. Now I must revisit this at 61.

So mote it be.

Ex Mea Manua  In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna.

Times like these you find out who your friends are

Funny how friendships come and go. I have not had a friend that was in my life from childhood, unlike some. I have not had a friend that was in my life from high school or college, unlike many.

I have had some really great friends.

But I am thinking that friendships like all relationships must be created and nurtured with time spent in enjoyment, not just supporting each other in times of trouble although that must happen too. There is not a thing worse in this world then being abandoned by a friend when you are truly desperately in need.

I have been having a rough time. I admit it. It's times like these you find out who your friends are.

And some friendships just wear out from old age and neglect. They were some part of a wonderful past  but gone is gone and done is done.

I had one friend for 38 years who has been one such fading friend. The last time I talked to her was a disaster. I asked for help...she cut me off. Now she is filling my inbox with her reasons why.

I found out today when I saw this that it is just what I would expect. Just as I am getting ready to embark on a major life saving mission into a new world of work I get her noise and distraction.

It finally has been made clear. My oldest friend in life is an energy vampire who comes sucking when I am going forward, and sucking when I am down,
and sucking and it sucks.

Pity. Oh well. New boundaries being set here.

Ex Mea Manua, In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Trust is not a four letter word

This time I am on really thin ice and I know it. This time it is a matter of life or dying slowly, impoverished and homeless. This time it all comes down to one thing.

Trust is not a four letter word.

My trust has been so battered by the world it occurred to me that the Divine agency that created this place is insane. That is Doubt. I will not lie and say it isn't so.

But trust is not a four letter word, which is what the Betrayers want to make it.

Last night I dreamed I was searching for a different type of meat. Real food to sustain me. How's that for symbolic.

The back drop of this world is just that. The juxtaposition of Madness by which to see the light of Truth.

No...trust is not a four letter word and I am no fool to trust. Just a child still learning what it is to get scraped knees.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna

Sun Bleached Cleaning and EFT

Yesterday there was an email from Margaret Lynch oddly enough of the subject of anger. The key point being that behind the anger is the feeling of "it's not fair and I deserve better"

Boy did that nail this thing with Victim Wilds and her complaint. So I tapped it out and I think I will save that transcript for ever. I will use it again today fo'sho'.

After tapping I refused to drive around on errands in the am and only did the ones I could walk to: Library for example ...a good three miles one way. Then I bused it back and walked in from Altadena Drive and Lincoln...another 1.5 getting sun scorched all the way. One the curve at the bridge at the bottom of the Meadows a fireman in a small truck from Station 12 stopped to ask me if I knew it was 99 degrees and I shot back"Is that all?" It was a pleasant interruption in the aloneness. Felt good, rested and went back at it focusing on service and income producing activities,

I think Chris Farrell deserves revisiting. I have been feeling pretty low since the complaint was filed and there is not a bit of sense in saying otherwise. But between Mr.Trivedi Monday and Margaret yesterday and today I came up  for air and stayed there. Still floating. Still believing.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

Mr. Trivedi: Trust vs.Doubt

Has anticipated a good one on the monthly energy transmission with my favorite Indian Guruji. I was not disappointed but I also got a sense that he is floundering a little in all the crap that is getting thrown at him by the American fools who are trying to make him into Christ as a miracle worker and are crucifying him when he refuses to show up as that and the worse fools who think that he is promoting himself as the Messiah.

How does it get any better then this is a good question for him I am thinking.

He was focusing on trust and doubt and making it clear that it isn't about trust and doubt of him, but of the Divine. He shared part of his story that I had never heard before and some more walls "come a tumbling down." Another key behind the curtain if you will.

It ain't easy being green...or slimed with your own sins and being grateful for the opportunity to have them thrown in your own face.

But today I got a chance to choose and I chose this. I used a little more Dr.Dain to still the chatter.I will keep that up. Because the truth is I am as capable of all that I judge evil as the next soul, and that is what is happening here. Awareness of flaw and acceptance of it. Gratitude for the learning is a lot easier today then it was last week.

Also sitting in resistance and judgment is as good a way as I have found to silence the voice of the Divine. More like drown Her out really.

SO...
How does it get any better then this?
What else is possible
What do I need to do to change this?
Who DOES this belong to?

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna

How Does It Get Any Better Then This

For whatever reason I seem to be asking Access Questions all day. Yesterday I reviewed my notes and asked those in the morning. I was in the Now all day and through my open enrollment. I made sales. I got my rent check from the soon to be non room mate and a gift from my sister.

I came into the house and email inbox  to a not unexpected attack by a non client who has decided to sue me and everyone else remotely connected to her state of being as a non cancer Victim. She had skin cancer non life threatening and she has decided she is a victim. It almost ruined my Lammas celebration. I held that any way and kept asking questions, especially How does it get any better then this and What can I do to change this.

So this am I am blogging first. I will defend myself later. I know my RSC is too stoned to remember, so he will not be of much help. I will not choose to trust him. But some advice he gave was good.

I am also eating out this am. I feel like seeing some people who are busy living not busy hating.

How does it get any better then this? What do I need to do to change this?
What else IS possible?

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua,Dea Eterna

Today I woke up without crying....

Today was the first time in a long time I woke up without crying. Today was a day after a lot of rest and a lot of Dr. Dain. Today I woke up thinking I can change. I can do things. I am not losing my home. Today when I caught myself in a "Mind battle " in thinking I stopped and asked"who does this belong to?"

Today the sun outside is cutting crystal edges of sharpness in everything I see.
Today I get another chance. Today I get another adventure. Today today today.

The past is done.
The future does not exist.
                                        There really is only today.

                                                           Gratia Dea
                                 Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua,Dea Eterna

LA Downtown, and Dr. Dain

Funny thing happened to me on the way back from downtown. I noticed a lot of heaviness mentally. Sure I had some real reasons but it felt like mental glue.

As I drove up out of the smog bowl the air and the view view got better and it felt like it was a little less gooey in the old mental field. When I got home and no one was there it was like being in the Alps on a spring day.

Started using "who does this belong to' when I was picking up on some really ugly thoughts in the ghetto parts outside the sky scraped zone. I mean ugly shit...rapper crapper hate shit.

Thank you Dea Eterna for Dr. Dain. I wasn't having a bad day in a bad smog zone...I was fielding other peoples stuff but this time I was batting it away gently and sweeping it out the door. Also realizing what was mine making me glue bait for goo a bit more. This last year of the Mayans I don;t think anyone is coming out unchanged and I have been fighting some of it.

The room mate came home and tried to glom in on my space when I was working: made herself a nuisance really by ignoring the fact that I told her I was in webinar. She can't think for herself poor kid, she is that scared I guess.
I also guess that that was the end of the decision making process on asking her to leave. She leaves a trail of grey gooey fear and I need that like I need the smog in LA even if I can feel sorry for her.

So..
What else is possible?
What do I need to do to change this?
How else can the money show up?
How can it get any better then this?

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Trivedi, Tapping and Dain: Having a Wild Weekend

This weekend was for pulling weeds ...the kind in my head as well as in the yard. It was really wild.

I started off listening to a webcast replay of Jeneth talking to Mr. Trivedi. And although I have heard his script before it was very soothing to hear the sound of his voice. Very.

Then I went to a replay of Margaret Lynch. I heard the original and it didn't hit as hard as this time. She told us to write our money goals and then on a scale of one to ten rate ideas about them, such as "It's Impossible" "It will probably be really hard." "I can do this" and " I deserve it"

What ticked my truth-o-meter was that I ranked "I can do" this really low , the first two really high and "I deserve this" higher then " I can do this."  And the walls come a tumblin' down.

Victim of two thousand years or more I truly felt that my suffering entitles me to huge abundance. Well I wailed on that one. Tapped on it. Seventeen ways from Sunday. I was coughing a choking and crying until my insides were in a knot.

How's that for a hot item?

Gets better. The Universe HATES me because it never gives me what I DESERVE. God and Goddess alike are judged on the standard of MONEY.

Woo boy.

Half an hour and a whole handful of tissues later I felt so much better and went out and weed whacked in the yard.

That was Friday and Saturday Morning. On Saturday afternoon and then again Sunday, I went into Dain Heer mode. Finally got that 90 percent of the crap in my head wasn't me. Friggin' telepathy and owning other peoples junk. Especially about money but mostly about me and what a rotten person I am.
Also got the taste of Anastasia's energy and nailed it for what it is...the Stopper nmechanism of a truly frightened individual.

This morning I was in the yard and Lisa and Rob came into my head. I stayed in it for a few minutes then said" Who does this belong to" instead of battling and justifying myself to my imaginary Them.

It sure wasn't mine and that was that.

Came in and tapped some more and Pod and Poc'd some more  and that was it.
So....

Who am I today and what grand and glorious adventures will I have?
What else is possible?
AND MOST OF ALL

How does it get any better then this?

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua,. Dea Eterna

Dr.Dain say "It isn't YOURS!"

Whipped out an Access Consciousness tool this am, and last night as well. Dr.Dain Heer says in regards to energy "Light is Truth. Lies are heavy, so the questions to ask are in the order of "Who does this belong to?" If you feel lighter the energy is NOT YOURS!! You glommed it up by agreement. But it ain't  yours sucka!

There has been a lightening of the burden of money although it would not seem it from my bank account. There has also been a perception of a solid massive wall in front of me that does not move or change energy wise, so I whipped out the magic questions.

Guess who felt lighter? It ain't mine. It's there. It is the reality and energy of the times. But it ain't mine.

Did that question last night and again this morning. Gonna keep at it which is what the good Dr. recommends.

How does it get any better then this? What else is possible? Where else can the money come from? What about this can be changed that I am not getting yet?
Pod and Poc Pod and Poc Pod and Poc. A dozen Pod and Poc a day keep the blues far away. Definitely better then apples.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua.

The Quiet of Predawn

There is something about the quiet of  predawn. I wonder how many others are up and listening to it. Are they hearing it...soft earth whispers and gently sounding birds? 

The birds are in warm up mode now...soon the hallelujah  bird chorus will greet the day in full throat.

Are there others listening? Other then me?

I like to think so. I like to think there are a few souls that are not drowning out the beginning of another gift day with showers and coffee makers. Just sitting for a bit and listening. The showers and coffee makers will have their turn...just not yet say the Predawn Listeners.  Not just yet.

It really is so very gentle...the predawn quiet. 

So few things are anymore.

Gratia Dea
Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua

More Access and Tapping and Dain..OH MY!

Seems these days have a pattern to them. Am, I get up  feeling like crap....Tap. Wave the magic Dain wand. Be a bit foggy. Then realize something important,

A word from 365 reasons to write....let your animal totem write for you.
Boy did that ring loud. I cried out the gratitude of it.

Not sure what is next...Surprise me, Mother.

The pieces of the Dog picture fall more into place. Yoga and walking are coming back into the picture.

So has Steven King. And a new idea about The Memoirs. Tell the tale from the point of Little Wolf and see what that does.That was what happen this am.

Tomorrow I am putting back an old regimen. Up at 5:00 get the lawn going.
Tea and blogging....then Memoirs. Like last year at the beach, my before 9:00am is all mine....and the Divine's.

Surprise me, Mother.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua

Access and tapping and Dain OH MY!

This am was a huge shift. I had been feeling really crappy in the heat and such. I did nothing much at all. Got up this am after a depressing 18 hours in bed and hit the Dain a thon from Jeneth...same one from March 13 of this year.

Only this time I tapped into some of the garbage that was coming up. Hey if one tool is good why wouldn't two be better.

It was.

Found out alot and don't care to share. Found out more me. Got 6 great tools written where I can easily find them. Got back in motion.

That is really what it is about.

"It is a sad fate for a man to die too well known to others and unknown to himself" Francis Bacon.

Gratia, Dea

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Follow the Lighter Energy

I have had an interesting time of it. This energy stuff is beginning to make sense but  it is a very sensitive thing. I had such a determination to get my son's couch up here and to hell with everything else yesterday.

Let it all go and relaxed as it were. Results?

1: job appointment to a good green company waiting in my in box.
2: Son and I have a great talk.
3: Son offered to co-sign on my dog trainer loan without me so much as mentioning it.

Hmmm.

Dr. Dain says follow the light... as in lighter energy. I think this is what he means
Spent a few moments of gratitude on the couch this morning.
Still debating about the office space being let out to someone else.
Maybe if I lightly ask...I won't need to?

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Early Morning Quiet and Calm after Dr. Dain Invasion

I just lost the whole of this post to an accident. Maybe it wasn't one. Finger hits the wrong key and zap...gone.

Well I'll be damned.

First time I've done that. So many firsts now that I think of it.

First time someone other then Rob has been in the house. The house and I rejoice for it. White Wolf Woman has a way of sending the echos of the dead flying.  The house is coming together in the way that two people on the same beam light things up.

Last September I fled to the beach shelter of my son's home and life to get away from this place and the DeathEater living here. Rob was so about dying and taking everyone with him as he went.

I can understand that angst. Fortunately for me, so does Dr. Dain, and even better then this so did a caller in to his interview with Jeneth. Talk about energy shifting!

So here is I being me. I don;t know about changing the world. I know it needs change but these days I'd prefer not to bother.

I have my own corner of the universe to hold up you see. And there is still brush on the mountain to clear.  Real brush...not head brush although there is still that too. There always will be.

Event the Buddha still works on himself.

Gratia Dea. There is peace today. How does it get any better then this?

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua, Dea Materna