Not Sure What Happened

Not sure what happened on Friday. But woke up exhausted. Got a whole lot of empathy from Charisse but something about her hounding me to go to her retreat this weekend ticked me off.

Then it got better. Took a walk Saturday morning and had a meltdown. Total fury with all the do-gooders of the world who like to tell me how much I need to balance my masculine energy with more feminine. Like Charisse although she did not come out that flat judgmental. She kept referring to herself as an example which was lovely. Sneaky subtle judgment.

So I blew it up and blew it over into tapping with Margaret Lynch. Got somewhere with that. Had a reuniting with my body.  Had a good time in the yard.

Sunday came and exhaustion put me back in bed after being up and puttering around. Blew off the retreat. No explanations just an apology for her inconvenience.

Fooling around on the Internet got me another tweet.

"Judging someone does too much good for your ego to be of use to anyone else."

Been catching myself all day in the"Negative energy wallow' Nice to get some control on that.
Going back to tap on that again.
Then...maybe...I'll clean the house.

Negative energy wallowing. Nice key from behind the curtain.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua

The Yoga of Work

There is a crazy thing in this country about work. We want to get out of it but we still want to get paid for it. We want to be able to do what we want , but work gets in the way. We squeeze in our " fun time" on weekends and evenings and grumble and slide into road rage on the way to the office or plant or store on Monday.

I am starting to find out that I don't get it.

I am having fun at work. I was working 6 days last week and took off one for me to rest a bit and mop my floors. I will be working all this week and into Saturday.

It's fun.

I have read stuff about this. The life coaches of the world encourage us to make our living doing what we love. Mostly that ends up meaning working for ourselves.

I don't know that this is necessary. I work for myself and have done so for years. It can be kinda lonely.

There is something to be said for a Weekly Sales Meeting where everybody has some fun. And we all are on it to find better ways to do things.

Past experience with this has not been so pleasant. Usually the head of the office does a one man(woman) show from the front of the room and we all sit like bobble head dolls. I got so fed up with this, I brought Rob's cricket to Regional for sales meeting and when Geoff the RSC asked a question and got no response I set the cricket off.

It was great.

Sales meetings between equals with things to share are fun too.

I am sick of being called a "Workaholic"

I am a "Fun Aholic" thank you very much. I refuse to work. I have fun.

Period.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Rain in the Early Am

For some reason I am consistently waking up at midnight and going back to bed and sleep at 3-4am.

This truly sucks.

I feel like I am stuck in Rob's habits. That more then sucks.

The last time I clearly felt the Connection was at the full moon. Then there was the attack of the mad dog entity. Spiritual retaliation for daring to clean the house from some strange creature of the mists of phantasm. Thanks Rob, you Goddess accursed brat.  Non stop crap from you alive and now some more from beyond death.

I am really sick of people that use their power from ego and control to dominate others. Wiccan, Sufi Islam,Christian,who the hell cares? Power tripping also truly sucks.

Well well well. Another point to look for in the Mirror. Another key under the curtain.

Now we try Mrs. Trivedi. I am not quite sure about this. Did not like the way she came across on her video. Too robotic. Too into being her husband in ways that seemed false.

I hope I am wrong. These days my critical factor is in over drive, so I will can it and wait. Having hay fever at 2:30 in the am is definitely not an inducement of good vibrations. Unless you count the vibration of sneezing and coughing good.

Now is the time for some lame minded a-wipe to tell me "It's ALL Good".
Fortunately at this hour it is just me and the rain and the rain has the sense to keep its mouth shut and go on being quietly wet.

Thank you, Rain, for being here.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua.

Rain in the April of California

Sitting at my desk looking out the window on grey and green such as rarely seen. There is rain in California and it is well into the spring. There are storms all over the country and there will probably be more snow pack in the San Gabriels. We need it, that is for sure.

It was a quiet day today. Got a lot of stuff done for Christine and felt really good about it. Getting more stuff done tomorrow. I will be home. There is too much" Don't interrupt me " work to handle to go into the office so she can interrupt me and I, her.
Translation, life is getting into a decent pace. There is a lot of good happening in this tiny little start up whose mission is so dedicated to the healing of Mother Earth.

Saw a young JPL'r at the League of Women Voters gig on Saturday. Somebody needs to teach this kid not to repeat what his enemies say about him. His callused shrugging off how many species were going to die off in global warming was a complete turn off. And he mentions how the perception is in the public that we can't trust our government and we don't trust scientists.

Can't IMAGINE why say I while oozing and dripping sarcasm all over the Internet.

Have an interesting thing lined up for Sunday. Mrs. Trivedi is transmitting energy. Should be fun. Need a good dose of theta connection to the Goddess of my Understanding.:)

I like Mr. Trivedi. He is real. He gets irritated. He gets on his soapbox from time to time. He is not God and he knows it.
My kind of character.

Wisp of shadow on the phone. A call from an area code that I thought might be Washington so it got to ring into Voice mail. No message and I didn't call the number back.
Nice safe distance the miles between here and Olympia.
Did a whole day's work in house today and felt good for it, so tomorrow I'll do a whole day's work at home and feel equally good.
I'm blathering and that is OK. The mulberries are getting redder and the rain is watering the lawn.
Really that is all that matters.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

A decent night sleep and lasagna

                                                       
There is something to be said for friends who stand by you even when you are making a fool of yourself generating a tempest in a teapot.
Sam is like that. She was here for lasagna and to keep Rob's sister at bay.
The good news is Lisa got the message sort of, when I refused to drop what I had already told her I was doing(working) to go running off to meet with her.
Bit of a surprise when she saw Sam. Kept her and her dramatizations of her mother's crap off my face so I got a good night's sleep.
Got in a few pieces of trying to tell me what I needed to do and what Al needed to do and and and and and before she left but it just rolled off.
She sure does like to boss folks. But she has served me well. And she is gone, gone gone.
She knows she will not be coming back with any welcome from me. And I didn't raise my voice. No combat. No  Martian in the trenches.
But she has served me well.
Without her I would have committed a mortal sin against my soul, running out on Rob as he was dying, justifying it with refusing to put up with his verbal and psychological abuse.
I felt bad about doing that. Ans why not? Told him I was leaving and he had a heart attack that same night.Then I got the chance via Lisa to stay and be true to my own sense of honor.
You don't run out on a friend who is in trouble. You just don't and I almost went there.
And through all the anger at Lisa I found what was there for me.
I chose to put me on the back burner and give her what she needed. That she princessed out on the dirtiest physically nasty things that needed to be done is on her. I made a choice and I am responsible. That she betratyed my trust when I told her I would need help if I stayed is on her. She, like her mother beofer her doesn't know how to give. And that is also on her.
I made a choice and it was the right choice.
It gave me the key behind the curtain of Rob.
I really did love him, and I continued to in spite of all invitations to do otherwise.  I will always hold the best of him dear. The fact that he waited til Lisa was gone and was with me when he breathed his last is truly precious. Our last conversation was loud and clear on the life monitors as they rose whebn I talked to him and after I had said what I needed to say and he heard it all the readings dove and he was gone.

He wanted to talk to me before he left. He wanted  me to tell him that truth of what had happened and what Lisa had done.I am sure of that. So I told him and said I was sorry for sending him in the direction of his body when he came by the house confused that it wasn't there. I didn't know how bad it was. Good Old Lisa kept that to herself. And I told him there was not much chance of a life like he's had and that Lisa had taken that away. And I told him she pulled the plug because of her own pain because she, by her own admission couldn't face it. She ran away just like he told me she did when their parents died.

So Good bye and GOOD RIDDANCE, Mrs. Martin Raskin and your bossy coward of a daughter.
Too bad you had to make such a huge poisonous dent in the heart of your son.

Lucky for me she was gone before I met  Rob. I probably would be doing jail time for killing her if she wasn't already dead.

Man, did I luck out big time.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua.

1:43 AM Sunrise

Be careful what you ask for ...you are liable to get it.

I was talking to Gina at the Trivedi foundation and I told her I had lost my connection. True enough. I told her I wanted to get it back. Also true.

I got what I wanted. At slightly before 2 in the morning.

Next time I should try putting in a request with a designated hour :)

I have always hated the trite New Age over worked platitude "It's all good" . I still do, but for the reason that it is trite and overworked and doesn't even begin to communicate the depth of the reality involved.

I got that this morning. The Good The Bad and the Ugly. It is all exactly what it is when it is for the reason it is and in the end it is always good.

Always. No matter what it is there is truth there and truth is truth.

Judgement, the Poison of All Life and Human Hearts. Poison. Pure Poison. Death in verbal form, death to love, death to dream, death to dreamers that is Judgement, and all are guilty of poisoning none are without sin. Dish it out in conversation and dare to call it "My Opinion" Opinions are better received when asked for and truly they are just like assholes, everyone has one and far too often they are full of shit. And the shit is the Poison of Judgment meant to kill and maim and bring Death to the living Soul.

Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death I will fear no Evil, for Thou Art with Me.

Beloved Divine.

Gratia Dea, Gratia Gratia. Amo Te, Dea Materna, Eterna and Magnifica.

Thou art with me Thou art with me. Thou art with me. Gratia Dea Materna.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

Duck and cover

Whew. It has been a plateful and hitting the fan while I was trying to duck and cover all that came up.

Got to a good resolution about Lisa and her manipulation and demeaning acts or her acts spawned of cowardice in my direction. She is her brother in female form sadly.

Good advice from my real friends. Solid support from them as well. That is such a blessing.

Another key from behind the curtain. Being a victim and staying too long.

The phrase "House N-----" kept coming up in the pool of anger against Lisa and her brother. Mom's favorite self description in her bitterness against Dad. Well, well,well. And who also stayed when her own children listening to the fights were hoping they'd divorce? Hmmm?

Well, well, well indeed.

Looking forward to a busy day again. I really do like the yoga of work.

Oh to chop wood, oh to carry water.

Ex Mea Manus In Tua Manua.