The Fear of Failure

I don't know how many people stress on failure. I find that I do. I have a sneaking suspicion it is a lot of people stressing as I pick up on it.

It would be nice to be happy and content all the time. I have done it occasionally and it truly is. It's like a quiet song humming in the soul.

But the reality that we are all supposed to be creating for ourselves kicks in with serious static.

I wonder that Daryn is not right. This Law of Attraction stuff is arrogant in how it demands that the Universe supply what we focus on.  Where does the gentle hand of God or Goddess fit into that? Can we really make demands of the Divine? Use our will to focus into reality what we want?

That does seem arrogant and not very open to receiving.

I think Dr. Dain and Guruji are right. You have to be open and grateful to receiving and especially knock off the judgment part on the gift. We become  ungrateful comparing what we have to others, like kids comparing gifts at Christmas and taking in that others are sneering at our presents.

Then we go home to cry having lost sight of the love that came with the Gift.

Beloved Divine, grant me the peace of non judgment.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Tapping and Gratitude for Bad Health

This morning was an energetic wake up. More Trivedi sleep effect. It was also a morning for tapping and ho o pono pono.

There was this accident you see. Three car pile up sandwich with me and my car being the pastrami in between  two slices of truck rye. Went to the ER with some seriously jacked blood pressure and haven't quite felt the same since.

Worry some, that.

Anyway I hit the tapping points on being scared and that helped. Also Ho o pono pono on the neglect of my body, and it felt better.

What felt the best was that I did wake up and there is help to do for others.

Gratitude and tapping are a nice double dose of health medicine.

The Tarot I did not long ago showed Death in the immediate future.

Could be spiritual. Maybe not.

It's OK. I have had one unbelievable life. So many wonderful learnings. So many people it was a blessing to meet and know. My son, my sisters, my baby bug grand daughter. Never thought I'd get that but there she is. Four years worth almost.

I would miss Kiki and Brian terribly. Might hang around in between lives to watch over those two.
But all in all it would be OK. Death is an old dear friend when you understand
reincarnation.

Gratia Dea. I have another bit of time to be awake and helping.

Gratia, gratia, gratia.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Trivedi Sleep Effect

I m noticing the sleep patterns are permanently shifted. At first I thought it might be stress that was cutting my sleep down to 5-6 hours. But there has been too much energy. I am having a harder time finding enough interesting things to do.

Fortunately the new job handles a good deal of that, at least for now.
I think a good goals session is in order when I get back and a dose of Lofholm-isms on the subject of time choices.

Other then that not much to say. I don't feel the connection as easily to the Divine but there is a dose of Trivedi on the horizon. I get that She is there. I have to reach harder to feel the flow.

Time to sow not to reap.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Fear is a Four Letter Word

This one is new. I have not had this experience at this level in awhile. Maybe I was just not aware of it before so much as now.

I'm scared. I am out on a very thin wire in a high wind. This is very dangerous what is happening in my life.

What it all boils down to is I am trying to follow what is being given to me and trust that it is right.

Yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow has never felt so real.
Ground Zero was a piece of cake by comparison as that was real and very present physical danger.

Not this. This is subtle slow and horrifying in the possibilities for failure.

So I am honoring it. This is how I feel and I have every right to.

And I move on.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

Fear itself

I have never found any resonance with that old sawdust dry expression, that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. I didn't get it.

Today I do.

Today is the second day in a completely blah dead boring hotel in a completely inane excuse for a city trying desperately to manage a new job training.

I was terrified coming here. I still have reason to fear.

But the fear itself was the worst enemy.

It was the fear for the future you see, as Guruji says, but also just new and unknown day to day.

It is settling out. And I am still worried. I am not so all fired good at this scripting that I think I am going to be ace this scene.

But I do know the game. And I think I can still play.

That is definitely something

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna

IS this the next learning? Yes I do believe so.

Of late I have been very busy indeed. Being anxious...scared even. Moving out of this fixed condition by trying something new. Frigging intense that. No Certainty. Much fear from the future as Guruji might say.

But I can't help but notice how things are falling into place. So this is what I  am supposed to be doing. And in the mix I will learn about money.

I have always made an income. It has been only of late, being in the wrong work that it has been hard. This new work looks good, but then there is more.

There is the Internet...the kindle publishing. So many ways have opened up.

The thing needed will be the discipline and strength to persist and make it happen.

That is also more learning. I used to be disciplined. I used to be strong. Now I must revisit this at 61.

So mote it be.

Ex Mea Manua  In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna.

Times like these you find out who your friends are

Funny how friendships come and go. I have not had a friend that was in my life from childhood, unlike some. I have not had a friend that was in my life from high school or college, unlike many.

I have had some really great friends.

But I am thinking that friendships like all relationships must be created and nurtured with time spent in enjoyment, not just supporting each other in times of trouble although that must happen too. There is not a thing worse in this world then being abandoned by a friend when you are truly desperately in need.

I have been having a rough time. I admit it. It's times like these you find out who your friends are.

And some friendships just wear out from old age and neglect. They were some part of a wonderful past  but gone is gone and done is done.

I had one friend for 38 years who has been one such fading friend. The last time I talked to her was a disaster. I asked for help...she cut me off. Now she is filling my inbox with her reasons why.

I found out today when I saw this that it is just what I would expect. Just as I am getting ready to embark on a major life saving mission into a new world of work I get her noise and distraction.

It finally has been made clear. My oldest friend in life is an energy vampire who comes sucking when I am going forward, and sucking when I am down,
and sucking and it sucks.

Pity. Oh well. New boundaries being set here.

Ex Mea Manua, In Tua Manua Dea Eterna