Tap Tap Tap Tap EFT Come rescue me

Well, here comes the rain again. The Curtain blows and covers the key....the shadows lengthen and Failure stands large against the light of life, an ominously grey black mountain of despair.

Tap tap tap tap ...EFT come rescue me.

Tap tap tap tap Failure get thee gone from me.

Tap tap tap tap....once again I see the  sun.

Tap tap tap tap... silly yes,but so much fun

Tap tap tap tap ... tap tap tap tap.

This is getting to be a bit of an early am habit. Tap Tap Tap Tap.

I have been tapping so much the tapping points hurt. 

 Standing back in the center of me without judgment that definitely does NOT hurt.

Sure beats the heck out of coffee...although that tastes good very good this am.

Christine is doing a good job for me of being the mirror that died with Rob.

Tap tap tap tap. EFT come rescue me.

Gratia Dea

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Cal Edison is blacking out the power up here today. They are so kind. They even send a voicemail message to remind us we will be up here in 89 degrees without so much as a fan.

So here am I at 6:38 happily typing away. It is cool. There are crickets. There is a subtle hum from the 210 6 miles away. There is jasmine on the breeze coming into the window.

I noticed that the end result of all that tapping was a settling down. Less mind chatter as Guruji Trivedi would say.

But if I would be honest I still replay the "what if" of Rob's death.

What if I had bypassed Lisa and gotten a master blessing. What if the bitch had never been found? What if it had been me that had the decision to make.

Rob would be alive I like to think. Maybe I am just going on hoping but I still believe Guruji could have done something.

But that did not happen and the sadness lingers on.

People die. The memory doesn't.  And the truth of the lines" Of all the words of mice and men the saddest are "it might have been."

So  I give myself a little moment of "it might have been" today.

Today I guess I get to be human.

Ex Mea Manua
In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna

Just another Tapping Sunday

I knew that sometime this weekend I would end up doing a lot of EFT work. Felt like it was time.

I was right of course.

I remember back in the fall of last year when I first discovered EFT. It felt sometime like I was tapping my guts out.The pain, the grief the depth of it were exhausting.

But I always got through it.

Fast forward 9 months and more tapping....and the Trivedi effect. Things are tapping out but it is different somehow. It is shorter. It is more distinctly to me.

And it is still working.

Realizing that you tone yourself down because the world has made it a point to judge and shun those who feel and show deep feeling. How suppressive is that?

And for the first time in the midst of recognizing the depth of the ocean of my feeling a glimmer of non attachment.

It was important because I made it so. I felt that because I chose to.I can unmake and unchoose  too.

Gratia Dea.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua

Dust motes in the winds of passing

Been putting the pedal to the metal for the last few days. It feels pretty darn good.  I never have been much of one to enjoy sitting around lalli gagging. Much gain from tapping with MArgaret, but she is not all.

Starting to realize that my thoughts turning to this person or that usually means I will hear from them or
lackeys soon. Useful. Gives one time to prepare.

Walking this am in the canyon reflecting on Guy Finley and his discourse. Seeing new mirrors every- where now that Rob is gone. Seeing my son looking squashed and worrying a bit. Sounds like the missus is on her" snarling from her work load op basis ". But this will pass. They are still dancing in sync.

Watching what I resent or dislike  about my boss becoming more quickly what I resent and dislike about myself and passing into forgiveness. And the gratitude that the learning is still the living.

It is good to be among the living. It is good to feel what I am for and am about more clearly. It is good to feel the return to center and the patience that this always brings.

It is good to get up and see the crescent moon smiling before fading into the sunrise. It is so very very good. It is good to see the wrinkles in the mirror when I smile.

Finished the videos from work and a bunch of other things that needed to be done.

Yes I do love the yoga of work...of service.

The energy vampires may swirl but they are motes of dust in the wind of my life that is passing passing swiftly passing. Many more keys, much less curtain.

Gratia, Dea.

Ex Mea Manua InTua Manua, Dea Eterna.

Self Equals Bad?

Been having a good old time of it, revisiting the area of relationships. Got a wiggle on my line from an old crush. He is part of Scientology and since I am a knowing and avowed Enemy of the Sea Org, as a group that is suppressive to Women, this was an exercise in"WOW!!!!! A REALLY GREAT GUY JUST CALLED TO ASK ME OUT... WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING TO ACCEPT?

So I blew him off by canceling the date. I got lucky and got his voice mail. YES! Saved by the Machine!!I got to take the cowards way out.

I need to revisit this area of Sea Org bullying people about their friends like I need to be bit by 75 Egyptian Asps. And that goes triple for Jamie.

What a sweet guy. There was a bit of sadness for a while, to not be able to have a friend like him without putting him at risk of being shot by his wonderful"friends" on L.Ron Hubbard Way. Really was cut up about it.

Then I went online to this mature persons dating service this morning and got an eyeful of cool and interesting looking men. Yummmmm.

OK.  'Nuff of that stuff.

Got back into Hubbard, though, and started reviewing some of his basics to help Christine. Was working on the "Urge to Survive of Self" and decided to look up self in the dictionary for fun.
OE to AS derivation; definitions 1,2 and 4 very clean. Then there is the 3rd about over concern and focus on one's own interests...selfishness.

Christ...self concern = bad? Define OVER CONCERN? Somebody please can we draw the line here?

You aren't worth a hoot. to anyone else if you aren't worth a hoot to yourself.
So where is the line? I can see someone being a non stop-ego manifestation being a bit of a turn off, but I learned a long time ago that is compensation for deep rooted self doubt and inferiority. The guy that knows does not have to brag. The truly enlightened master will never claim to be. Being in one's Self Ness is NOT Selfish.

So pardon me, I am off to be concerned about myself ALL DARN DAY!

It will be a good one.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

The Return of Old Habits

It is a quieting thing, this getting up and writing. The black out for five days while the world was shifting through reruns of Lisa Margaret Lynch and Guruji made for good space.

My poor old Bodia is having a time of it recovering from the spill on last Thursday. It is always interesting to me to have the flow of fluent Florentine dialect Italian cursing being directed at me from my own body. Looking forward to some Via Viente and getting back to trying to sell on the Internet.

In the meantime the habit of walking is starting to reform. Today is break day and only stretches.

I am still tired although the night's rest was pretty solid. Tired not in a body way, so much...just tired. Close encounters with an energy vampire can do that it seems.

But the line is now officially drawn in writing since Lisa didn't get it verbally.
MAybe it will stay drawn this time.

Been catching myself out battling and though it was hard, I did pull out of it.
I expect it will get easier in time, as the energy of my own resource pool clears and flows better. A Tapping a day keeps the negative crap away.

Jamie is a different story. Had to run the script on chasing him off responsibly over and over,to pull down the charge. Then I went into battling on finally sitting down with some poor bloke in an MAA's office and quietly and calmly shredding the living daylights out of the Sea Org and it's oppression of women and its injustice.

Yeah, Margaret..it is fun wallowing in that Righteousness...I admit it. Loving the mental picture of finally getting to say all my stuff and leaving total devastation in my wake.

And what,I now ask,will that do?

Zip Zilch Nada beyond adding my name to the list of do-gooder dreamer squashers. They have a dream there, they do.

Not my dream anymore and it sure was hard to say good bye to it. Some part of me still wishes I could finish the B.C. and be the auditor I always wanted to be.
But them days is over no matter how much it hurts.

No can do.

Period.

It is a funny thing but it is true that the greatest death of all is the end of all hope.

Death does that. Ends all hope. Hubbard had the sequence very right. The threat of death during unconsciousness will fuel a fire of loss beyond reason down the road.

Death...the final frontier. It will be a good friend when it comes finally.

More people would benefit from watching "Meet Joe Black" then not I really believe.

I have often wondered at the consistency of the great "J" writers of Britain
J.M.Barre: Death will be an awfully big adventure
J.R.R. Tolkien: Death is just another path...one we must all take.
J.K.Rowling: To the well organized mind, death is just the gateway to the next adventure.

So meet Joe Black without fear say I. He is an old friend with whom you have journeyed so many times into the next great adventure...and the next... and the next...and...and...and.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna

Been a rough week

This is some five days in coming. Been a rough week.

Tapped back into Margaret Lynch...literally. That helped but I still feel
blocked and unhappy. Too many voices from the past.

Why can't the past just die?

Here comes the Church again, falling on my face like a memory,falling on my heart with a dark emotion.

The worst of it is I feel like I am battling royally at the drop of a hat,

Even Mr.Trivedi has come in for a dose of it,

I feel so desperate to be seen and recognized. I make a fool of myself trying,
like Donkey trying to get Shrek to pick him on the adventure to Dulot.

Why can't I just be happy in the silence of it all?

No more keys this week...just lots of curtain and sadness.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua.