Trivedi Sleep Effect

I m noticing the sleep patterns are permanently shifted. At first I thought it might be stress that was cutting my sleep down to 5-6 hours. But there has been too much energy. I am having a harder time finding enough interesting things to do.

Fortunately the new job handles a good deal of that, at least for now.
I think a good goals session is in order when I get back and a dose of Lofholm-isms on the subject of time choices.

Other then that not much to say. I don't feel the connection as easily to the Divine but there is a dose of Trivedi on the horizon. I get that She is there. I have to reach harder to feel the flow.

Time to sow not to reap.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Fear is a Four Letter Word

This one is new. I have not had this experience at this level in awhile. Maybe I was just not aware of it before so much as now.

I'm scared. I am out on a very thin wire in a high wind. This is very dangerous what is happening in my life.

What it all boils down to is I am trying to follow what is being given to me and trust that it is right.

Yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow has never felt so real.
Ground Zero was a piece of cake by comparison as that was real and very present physical danger.

Not this. This is subtle slow and horrifying in the possibilities for failure.

So I am honoring it. This is how I feel and I have every right to.

And I move on.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

Fear itself

I have never found any resonance with that old sawdust dry expression, that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. I didn't get it.

Today I do.

Today is the second day in a completely blah dead boring hotel in a completely inane excuse for a city trying desperately to manage a new job training.

I was terrified coming here. I still have reason to fear.

But the fear itself was the worst enemy.

It was the fear for the future you see, as Guruji says, but also just new and unknown day to day.

It is settling out. And I am still worried. I am not so all fired good at this scripting that I think I am going to be ace this scene.

But I do know the game. And I think I can still play.

That is definitely something

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna

IS this the next learning? Yes I do believe so.

Of late I have been very busy indeed. Being anxious...scared even. Moving out of this fixed condition by trying something new. Frigging intense that. No Certainty. Much fear from the future as Guruji might say.

But I can't help but notice how things are falling into place. So this is what I  am supposed to be doing. And in the mix I will learn about money.

I have always made an income. It has been only of late, being in the wrong work that it has been hard. This new work looks good, but then there is more.

There is the Internet...the kindle publishing. So many ways have opened up.

The thing needed will be the discipline and strength to persist and make it happen.

That is also more learning. I used to be disciplined. I used to be strong. Now I must revisit this at 61.

So mote it be.

Ex Mea Manua  In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna.

Times like these you find out who your friends are

Funny how friendships come and go. I have not had a friend that was in my life from childhood, unlike some. I have not had a friend that was in my life from high school or college, unlike many.

I have had some really great friends.

But I am thinking that friendships like all relationships must be created and nurtured with time spent in enjoyment, not just supporting each other in times of trouble although that must happen too. There is not a thing worse in this world then being abandoned by a friend when you are truly desperately in need.

I have been having a rough time. I admit it. It's times like these you find out who your friends are.

And some friendships just wear out from old age and neglect. They were some part of a wonderful past  but gone is gone and done is done.

I had one friend for 38 years who has been one such fading friend. The last time I talked to her was a disaster. I asked for help...she cut me off. Now she is filling my inbox with her reasons why.

I found out today when I saw this that it is just what I would expect. Just as I am getting ready to embark on a major life saving mission into a new world of work I get her noise and distraction.

It finally has been made clear. My oldest friend in life is an energy vampire who comes sucking when I am going forward, and sucking when I am down,
and sucking and it sucks.

Pity. Oh well. New boundaries being set here.

Ex Mea Manua, In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Trust is not a four letter word

This time I am on really thin ice and I know it. This time it is a matter of life or dying slowly, impoverished and homeless. This time it all comes down to one thing.

Trust is not a four letter word.

My trust has been so battered by the world it occurred to me that the Divine agency that created this place is insane. That is Doubt. I will not lie and say it isn't so.

But trust is not a four letter word, which is what the Betrayers want to make it.

Last night I dreamed I was searching for a different type of meat. Real food to sustain me. How's that for symbolic.

The back drop of this world is just that. The juxtaposition of Madness by which to see the light of Truth.

No...trust is not a four letter word and I am no fool to trust. Just a child still learning what it is to get scraped knees.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna

Sun Bleached Cleaning and EFT

Yesterday there was an email from Margaret Lynch oddly enough of the subject of anger. The key point being that behind the anger is the feeling of "it's not fair and I deserve better"

Boy did that nail this thing with Victim Wilds and her complaint. So I tapped it out and I think I will save that transcript for ever. I will use it again today fo'sho'.

After tapping I refused to drive around on errands in the am and only did the ones I could walk to: Library for example ...a good three miles one way. Then I bused it back and walked in from Altadena Drive and Lincoln...another 1.5 getting sun scorched all the way. One the curve at the bridge at the bottom of the Meadows a fireman in a small truck from Station 12 stopped to ask me if I knew it was 99 degrees and I shot back"Is that all?" It was a pleasant interruption in the aloneness. Felt good, rested and went back at it focusing on service and income producing activities,

I think Chris Farrell deserves revisiting. I have been feeling pretty low since the complaint was filed and there is not a bit of sense in saying otherwise. But between Mr.Trivedi Monday and Margaret yesterday and today I came up  for air and stayed there. Still floating. Still believing.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

Mr. Trivedi: Trust vs.Doubt

Has anticipated a good one on the monthly energy transmission with my favorite Indian Guruji. I was not disappointed but I also got a sense that he is floundering a little in all the crap that is getting thrown at him by the American fools who are trying to make him into Christ as a miracle worker and are crucifying him when he refuses to show up as that and the worse fools who think that he is promoting himself as the Messiah.

How does it get any better then this is a good question for him I am thinking.

He was focusing on trust and doubt and making it clear that it isn't about trust and doubt of him, but of the Divine. He shared part of his story that I had never heard before and some more walls "come a tumbling down." Another key behind the curtain if you will.

It ain't easy being green...or slimed with your own sins and being grateful for the opportunity to have them thrown in your own face.

But today I got a chance to choose and I chose this. I used a little more Dr.Dain to still the chatter.I will keep that up. Because the truth is I am as capable of all that I judge evil as the next soul, and that is what is happening here. Awareness of flaw and acceptance of it. Gratitude for the learning is a lot easier today then it was last week.

Also sitting in resistance and judgment is as good a way as I have found to silence the voice of the Divine. More like drown Her out really.

SO...
How does it get any better then this?
What else is possible
What do I need to do to change this?
Who DOES this belong to?

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna

How Does It Get Any Better Then This

For whatever reason I seem to be asking Access Questions all day. Yesterday I reviewed my notes and asked those in the morning. I was in the Now all day and through my open enrollment. I made sales. I got my rent check from the soon to be non room mate and a gift from my sister.

I came into the house and email inbox  to a not unexpected attack by a non client who has decided to sue me and everyone else remotely connected to her state of being as a non cancer Victim. She had skin cancer non life threatening and she has decided she is a victim. It almost ruined my Lammas celebration. I held that any way and kept asking questions, especially How does it get any better then this and What can I do to change this.

So this am I am blogging first. I will defend myself later. I know my RSC is too stoned to remember, so he will not be of much help. I will not choose to trust him. But some advice he gave was good.

I am also eating out this am. I feel like seeing some people who are busy living not busy hating.

How does it get any better then this? What do I need to do to change this?
What else IS possible?

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua,Dea Eterna