The recent episode with the Sea Org, has been followed closely by the realization that I can not get anyone in this house to help share the load of the rent.
The money line has dried up just as it did when Rob was alive. The person who came today was a Goddess send as she was totally aware of spiritual things and she was willing to be honest about the fact that she felt Rob in the house. And didn't want to come here.
So he is back from outer space and putting his usual death flow on my life and happiness again. So to arms? To battle. Whip out the sage start the warding in the Dark of the Moon ....again?
Hmmmm. Why do I hear Dr. Einstein defining insanity just now?
A little inner honesty:
I felt guilty about the way he died as a possible repercussion of my warding. I felt sad about it. I didn't want him to die just to stop ill wishing me. Stop laying his negatives across my life.
Truth be told I can ill wish and how. I think the best I can say for myself is I am looking at that more and more and how I really don't want to bend the plasticity of the Universe in those directions out of anger or revenge. Or self hate and suicidal thoughts. Had a huge bout of that since Friday. Even more so today after recognizing what was going on with Rob counter intending the roommates to get back at me and drive me from the house.
Called Donna and she was there for me again. I blew off the day to feel royally sorry for myself. Also to rest. I was going hiking but my poor body just was not rejoicing at the thought. It was fried.
So I watched Amazing Grace after I cancelled the Ladies Only, sent out the email about Eric and sent one more attempt into JPL to find a roomie.
That felt pretty OK for a while, then the sniveling started again. And I thought about it more. Then hit the blog.
True thoughts:
Some hurts are a grief everlasting and denying them is a lie. But choosing to stay in them is simply that... a choice.
So some gangrenous pus spilled out from the past and poisoned my world this week. I went into it and I have stayed there long enough. I choose to come back out.
Now.
That is what I work at now, choosing. That is for today and the future and the best way to get to a better future is not to do the same old same old.
I paid for the retreat today, Mr.Trivedi's retreat in two weeks. I used the rent.
I am not going to miss the opportunity of a lifetime because of this house or anything else.
I don't care if I end up living in the truck and/or dead. There is nothing in this life that is mattering more then making a healing for myself as a spiritual entity.Paying for the retreat was the most serious announcement to the Universe of the real priorities that I choose.
More thoughts about ill wishing:
That Sea Org lady Sandy was so confident in my misery without her holiest of all groups, she even said she knew I was having a really bad time. I could feel her gloating quietly.
How much of that postulate for others to fail are any of them willing to be responsible for? Are they even aware that is what they are doing,...and gloating in it when it happens?
Rob was not willing to be responsible for his ill wishing. At all. Did him a fat lot of good being like that.
There is a pattern here and now it is my time to really choose.
Mirror mirror on the wall,
Am I my enemy after all?
I can ill wish and I have. I own it. I have felt revenge and acted on it. I have gloated when time washed the bodies of my enemies past my feet as I sat by the river.
I have rejoiced in the failure of those I detested , those who I used to say had appointed me their executioner. Yep I have. Been there, cursed that and the curses came home to roost. I did it to Rob during that warding and man did it come home to roost.
Another Key from behind the Curtain.
I wonder what it will be ...a life without ill wishing? No quilt, no harm done to self or others. Just peace and a sore arm from holding the mirror of others to my face.
Not too bad that, actually. So now...
Who am I today and what grand and glorious adventures will I have?
How can it get any better then this?
What else is possible?
Where else is there money waiting to surprise me? How else can it show up?
Surprise me.!
Dr. Dain is right. The questions are far better then deciding the answers and battling to get to the outcome that you decided was the only good answer.
Screw the Law of Attraction and just "focus on what you want"....I want to focus on the questions and getting back to playing again in the realm of infinite possibility. And hearing the inner guidance system as loud as the Schumann Resonance itself. Yeah. That works just fine for focus. Not to mention the little person in this picture.
So I still love battling...but for a different reason. It makes one hell of a great mirror to show me what I'm for and what I love everytime it comes up. And I can choose that instead of combat. Definitely up for less sore knuckles in life.
Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.
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