Not Sure What Happened

Not sure what happened on Friday. But woke up exhausted. Got a whole lot of empathy from Charisse but something about her hounding me to go to her retreat this weekend ticked me off.

Then it got better. Took a walk Saturday morning and had a meltdown. Total fury with all the do-gooders of the world who like to tell me how much I need to balance my masculine energy with more feminine. Like Charisse although she did not come out that flat judgmental. She kept referring to herself as an example which was lovely. Sneaky subtle judgment.

So I blew it up and blew it over into tapping with Margaret Lynch. Got somewhere with that. Had a reuniting with my body.  Had a good time in the yard.

Sunday came and exhaustion put me back in bed after being up and puttering around. Blew off the retreat. No explanations just an apology for her inconvenience.

Fooling around on the Internet got me another tweet.

"Judging someone does too much good for your ego to be of use to anyone else."

Been catching myself all day in the"Negative energy wallow' Nice to get some control on that.
Going back to tap on that again.
Then...maybe...I'll clean the house.

Negative energy wallowing. Nice key from behind the curtain.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua

The Yoga of Work

There is a crazy thing in this country about work. We want to get out of it but we still want to get paid for it. We want to be able to do what we want , but work gets in the way. We squeeze in our " fun time" on weekends and evenings and grumble and slide into road rage on the way to the office or plant or store on Monday.

I am starting to find out that I don't get it.

I am having fun at work. I was working 6 days last week and took off one for me to rest a bit and mop my floors. I will be working all this week and into Saturday.

It's fun.

I have read stuff about this. The life coaches of the world encourage us to make our living doing what we love. Mostly that ends up meaning working for ourselves.

I don't know that this is necessary. I work for myself and have done so for years. It can be kinda lonely.

There is something to be said for a Weekly Sales Meeting where everybody has some fun. And we all are on it to find better ways to do things.

Past experience with this has not been so pleasant. Usually the head of the office does a one man(woman) show from the front of the room and we all sit like bobble head dolls. I got so fed up with this, I brought Rob's cricket to Regional for sales meeting and when Geoff the RSC asked a question and got no response I set the cricket off.

It was great.

Sales meetings between equals with things to share are fun too.

I am sick of being called a "Workaholic"

I am a "Fun Aholic" thank you very much. I refuse to work. I have fun.

Period.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

Rain in the Early Am

For some reason I am consistently waking up at midnight and going back to bed and sleep at 3-4am.

This truly sucks.

I feel like I am stuck in Rob's habits. That more then sucks.

The last time I clearly felt the Connection was at the full moon. Then there was the attack of the mad dog entity. Spiritual retaliation for daring to clean the house from some strange creature of the mists of phantasm. Thanks Rob, you Goddess accursed brat.  Non stop crap from you alive and now some more from beyond death.

I am really sick of people that use their power from ego and control to dominate others. Wiccan, Sufi Islam,Christian,who the hell cares? Power tripping also truly sucks.

Well well well. Another point to look for in the Mirror. Another key under the curtain.

Now we try Mrs. Trivedi. I am not quite sure about this. Did not like the way she came across on her video. Too robotic. Too into being her husband in ways that seemed false.

I hope I am wrong. These days my critical factor is in over drive, so I will can it and wait. Having hay fever at 2:30 in the am is definitely not an inducement of good vibrations. Unless you count the vibration of sneezing and coughing good.

Now is the time for some lame minded a-wipe to tell me "It's ALL Good".
Fortunately at this hour it is just me and the rain and the rain has the sense to keep its mouth shut and go on being quietly wet.

Thank you, Rain, for being here.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua.

Rain in the April of California

Sitting at my desk looking out the window on grey and green such as rarely seen. There is rain in California and it is well into the spring. There are storms all over the country and there will probably be more snow pack in the San Gabriels. We need it, that is for sure.

It was a quiet day today. Got a lot of stuff done for Christine and felt really good about it. Getting more stuff done tomorrow. I will be home. There is too much" Don't interrupt me " work to handle to go into the office so she can interrupt me and I, her.
Translation, life is getting into a decent pace. There is a lot of good happening in this tiny little start up whose mission is so dedicated to the healing of Mother Earth.

Saw a young JPL'r at the League of Women Voters gig on Saturday. Somebody needs to teach this kid not to repeat what his enemies say about him. His callused shrugging off how many species were going to die off in global warming was a complete turn off. And he mentions how the perception is in the public that we can't trust our government and we don't trust scientists.

Can't IMAGINE why say I while oozing and dripping sarcasm all over the Internet.

Have an interesting thing lined up for Sunday. Mrs. Trivedi is transmitting energy. Should be fun. Need a good dose of theta connection to the Goddess of my Understanding.:)

I like Mr. Trivedi. He is real. He gets irritated. He gets on his soapbox from time to time. He is not God and he knows it.
My kind of character.

Wisp of shadow on the phone. A call from an area code that I thought might be Washington so it got to ring into Voice mail. No message and I didn't call the number back.
Nice safe distance the miles between here and Olympia.
Did a whole day's work in house today and felt good for it, so tomorrow I'll do a whole day's work at home and feel equally good.
I'm blathering and that is OK. The mulberries are getting redder and the rain is watering the lawn.
Really that is all that matters.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna

A decent night sleep and lasagna

                                                       
There is something to be said for friends who stand by you even when you are making a fool of yourself generating a tempest in a teapot.
Sam is like that. She was here for lasagna and to keep Rob's sister at bay.
The good news is Lisa got the message sort of, when I refused to drop what I had already told her I was doing(working) to go running off to meet with her.
Bit of a surprise when she saw Sam. Kept her and her dramatizations of her mother's crap off my face so I got a good night's sleep.
Got in a few pieces of trying to tell me what I needed to do and what Al needed to do and and and and and before she left but it just rolled off.
She sure does like to boss folks. But she has served me well. And she is gone, gone gone.
She knows she will not be coming back with any welcome from me. And I didn't raise my voice. No combat. No  Martian in the trenches.
But she has served me well.
Without her I would have committed a mortal sin against my soul, running out on Rob as he was dying, justifying it with refusing to put up with his verbal and psychological abuse.
I felt bad about doing that. Ans why not? Told him I was leaving and he had a heart attack that same night.Then I got the chance via Lisa to stay and be true to my own sense of honor.
You don't run out on a friend who is in trouble. You just don't and I almost went there.
And through all the anger at Lisa I found what was there for me.
I chose to put me on the back burner and give her what she needed. That she princessed out on the dirtiest physically nasty things that needed to be done is on her. I made a choice and I am responsible. That she betratyed my trust when I told her I would need help if I stayed is on her. She, like her mother beofer her doesn't know how to give. And that is also on her.
I made a choice and it was the right choice.
It gave me the key behind the curtain of Rob.
I really did love him, and I continued to in spite of all invitations to do otherwise.  I will always hold the best of him dear. The fact that he waited til Lisa was gone and was with me when he breathed his last is truly precious. Our last conversation was loud and clear on the life monitors as they rose whebn I talked to him and after I had said what I needed to say and he heard it all the readings dove and he was gone.

He wanted to talk to me before he left. He wanted  me to tell him that truth of what had happened and what Lisa had done.I am sure of that. So I told him and said I was sorry for sending him in the direction of his body when he came by the house confused that it wasn't there. I didn't know how bad it was. Good Old Lisa kept that to herself. And I told him there was not much chance of a life like he's had and that Lisa had taken that away. And I told him she pulled the plug because of her own pain because she, by her own admission couldn't face it. She ran away just like he told me she did when their parents died.

So Good bye and GOOD RIDDANCE, Mrs. Martin Raskin and your bossy coward of a daughter.
Too bad you had to make such a huge poisonous dent in the heart of your son.

Lucky for me she was gone before I met  Rob. I probably would be doing jail time for killing her if she wasn't already dead.

Man, did I luck out big time.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua.

1:43 AM Sunrise

Be careful what you ask for ...you are liable to get it.

I was talking to Gina at the Trivedi foundation and I told her I had lost my connection. True enough. I told her I wanted to get it back. Also true.

I got what I wanted. At slightly before 2 in the morning.

Next time I should try putting in a request with a designated hour :)

I have always hated the trite New Age over worked platitude "It's all good" . I still do, but for the reason that it is trite and overworked and doesn't even begin to communicate the depth of the reality involved.

I got that this morning. The Good The Bad and the Ugly. It is all exactly what it is when it is for the reason it is and in the end it is always good.

Always. No matter what it is there is truth there and truth is truth.

Judgement, the Poison of All Life and Human Hearts. Poison. Pure Poison. Death in verbal form, death to love, death to dream, death to dreamers that is Judgement, and all are guilty of poisoning none are without sin. Dish it out in conversation and dare to call it "My Opinion" Opinions are better received when asked for and truly they are just like assholes, everyone has one and far too often they are full of shit. And the shit is the Poison of Judgment meant to kill and maim and bring Death to the living Soul.

Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death I will fear no Evil, for Thou Art with Me.

Beloved Divine.

Gratia Dea, Gratia Gratia. Amo Te, Dea Materna, Eterna and Magnifica.

Thou art with me Thou art with me. Thou art with me. Gratia Dea Materna.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

Duck and cover

Whew. It has been a plateful and hitting the fan while I was trying to duck and cover all that came up.

Got to a good resolution about Lisa and her manipulation and demeaning acts or her acts spawned of cowardice in my direction. She is her brother in female form sadly.

Good advice from my real friends. Solid support from them as well. That is such a blessing.

Another key from behind the curtain. Being a victim and staying too long.

The phrase "House N-----" kept coming up in the pool of anger against Lisa and her brother. Mom's favorite self description in her bitterness against Dad. Well, well,well. And who also stayed when her own children listening to the fights were hoping they'd divorce? Hmmm?

Well, well, well indeed.

Looking forward to a busy day again. I really do like the yoga of work.

Oh to chop wood, oh to carry water.

Ex Mea Manus In Tua Manua.

Perhaps the Amish really know

Today there was a lot of bouncing off walls in the morning and then finally the day began in earnest. So many things to do do do dodododododo.

The only thing that left me happy was the garden work.

The simplest task of pulling weeds and transplanting alyssium from a dark spot to the sun.

And then just looking at all that green and lavender and pink and white.

It was a visual taste of dandelion wine. So simple and peace filling.

Maybe the Amish have it straight. Maybe they really know.

The gift of simplicity. I could get behind that. Earth care and nurturing and harvesting. No thought until there is a moment for a prayer.

The simplicity of no ego. No pain. No greed or gain.

IS that the life of the Simple Folk?

I stumbled across the teachings of Rumi. I was digging in the shelf of Books for something that felt right and that was what leaped into my hand saying"ME read ME!"

So I did. I thought I was going to find more stuff like Hafiz. But Rumi is definitely not Hafiz. Less frill more facing it. The intro burnt like a fierce brand in its heat against the New Age cowards and fru fru people. That so resonated, so very the truth I have seen. Goddess it felt so good to hear it from someone else.

But how do I move from here to there...the self to Self. From separate to One. Where is the big spiritual disposal unit for the Big I?

There is no future says Rumi...there is just now.How hard it is to be that simple. It really is a gift.

ExMea Manua In Tua Manua.

The key behind the curtain to chocolate

The week was a complete energy drain and very frustrating. But it is over and I am home. There is fresh cold air hitting the San Gabriel mountains and I am willing to bet the snow level is down ...way down.

I keep trying to sing. It is the life purpose that I abandoned so long ago I actually can't remember when I did it. The music of the 80's was so boring and I lost my creative touch somewhere in the nuclear ash of all the betrayals that were starting to mount in my life.

How that will pan out is still unclear, but the fact is I am singing silly little rephrases of songs I know for the "moment to hand" I know it isn't appreciated by those who hear it but I keep doing it anyway.

I used to use singing to shut out the pain and the loneliness. I was happier when I was singing. I had to keep my focus and the workout of my lungs gave me a good rush.

This all relates to the key to the chocolate. The fat. The unhealthy lifestyle that I am just not fixing.

I want to be healthy again but the energy patterns that are shifting around are a vortex of grief and dispersal. I bounce back and forth in the house stuffing nuts in my mouth from the kitchen and then going back to get nothing at all done.

Like a caged animal with nothing better to do then pace and eat or slurp water.

Then I lay down and over sleep.

I think this is called depression.

I should know. It has been the most constant companion in my life.

But about the key.

All this toxic energy stuff is blowing up in my face to be resolved. And the really truly bad eating started after I abandoned my music to be on staff at the next great pile of conspirators, New York C of S. The energy got shifted again by Christine wanting a resume and I had to look again at where all my training experience started.

Man,did I feel ashamed.

I look at all Christine's circle and I see the accomplishments and kudos.

I have nothing to compare as I left what I was doing to be on staff.

I still cry about this. It hurts to this day. It is one of those Grief Everlasting entries in my life.

Mr. Trivedi addressed that and he was right. The emotional trauma of your life will cripple you for your whole life in ways that you will not recognized until it is too late.

This shit has it's seat in me and I carry it with me. Some people call it baggage and condescend to tell you it is something you can choose to freely drop.

I think of it as scars. Scars that healed over but never really healed or went back to the way that was. Some ooze gangrene and pus from time to time
Eric just had a realization about this from the conspiracy of his own employees stealing his client data base and company out from under him. It was so refreshing to reminded of how honest this guy can be. And how human.

The bad news is this crap really is a part of life.

The good news is there is recognition and then there can be healing.

I stopped running back then too. All my best healthy habits went by the boards and so did my health and weight.

So there is the key to the chocolate and the pacing and the depression.

The biggest betrayal of my life was from me. And then letting my given word and loyalty be used to stick me in a situation that was not to my advantage at all. It was one of the most destructive hideous nightmares I ever got myself into and I went insane from it. Totally bonkers right down to wanting to end it all.

And so it goes and has gone.

Let the ending begin. Healer, heal thyself.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

Friday the 13th

Again the early am call. Again the early am blues. Another key...the last vestiges of a lifetime on the receiving end of conspiracy. Oh how dramatic that sounds. It really isn't.

Smelling the same energy from Christine's crew , the "get rid of this one" snubbing cold energy when people have turned against you for their fear and ego safety.

It is still upsetting but less so. One would like a little camaraderie in life.

But then I became the conspirators in 1985, though they were not the first or last. The first came in 1969 then 1970 and they were the worst. Created quite the heart crack. Then came the ones in1975 1985,1988 then the ones in 1995, then it happened to the company I worked for in 2005 which was no apparent fault of mine. Then again two years later then again in 2010

Great. They are moving in faster now that I am older.

I have been carrying it with me. The energy that it was and that triggers it anew. I became them. The betrayal artists that conspire with others.

That sent a few shock waves through the system.Really didn't want to spend my life like this but well...

Fact is betrayal is my middle name this life. Me to others, others to me , others to others in my presence. Best of all me to myself.Fun Stuff.

Conspiracy...that must be from the past farther then I know at this time.

Soon.

This is the Trivedi effect in all it's glory. I have faith in that. This is the crap that must be confronted and so it is. At 3:00 in the morning. Better that then never seen at all.

I am going back to bed.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua.

Mirror Mirror

Last night as I was wandering around feeling a bit dragged and unfocused I got this call. The Boss was calling at 8:00pm.

Interesting, thought I. She has no boundaries of her own on time therefore no one else does.

She was also on her horse about getting 40 hours for her money, as if she isn't getting enough value. After two days. I pointed this out to her kindly as I recall.

Now I remember why I don't like working for other people. There is a universal Corporate America Viewpoint that human beings can be quantified in terms of dollars per hour.

This keeps coming up...people in my life measuring me by money not value.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,have I been doing this same thing at all?

Oh, Yeah.

I have. I have been all over my case about my valueless life as there is not a whit of money or material possession to show for it. Even now the grief is coming.

And it is not just happening to me. Mr.Trivedi spoke of a woman who expected her criminal son to get off after buying a blessing for the boy for $150. A miracle for $150. And she had the audacity to be mad when he went to jail. The energy knew what he needed and he got jail. I suspect being away from his mother will help too.

The point is this crap of devaluing human life in comparison to money is everywhere.

Please if you will, say I, so I can be holier then thou, put a dollar amount on the life of Gandhi, or Christ, or Mohammed. Not particularly stinking rich any of them now, true?

That is my big justifier and how I get to be right for being of no worth. But the no worth carries beyond the money.

I am hurting right now but grateful that this is coming up. It's the place the death wish lives. Why go on living if your life is of no value. If someone tries to tell me how valuable I am and what I could do if I step into my power they resonate as a con artist.And I will project my self hate as suspicion of them and their motives. Poor Eric and Jarris.

I know I am worthless and undeserving. And that is how the world responds to me.

Well there it is again. This one doesn't diminish. I have tapped on this and tapped on it. Trivedi dug it out again. This is the answer to the obsessing about Rob's sister trying to buy a house slave to do the dirty work.And she gets what she wants because I am it.

The doormat, the garbage that gets kicked in the corner and left to rot by everyone since I do that to myself.

Here comes the pain again, falling on my face like a memory, falling on my face like a new emotion.

I see my shadow all over Waste Less Living. The braggart who produces nothing. The woman who is too into her Feelings to get anything done.

Whoo boy.

Time out for tapping on "It's impossible to love myself,I have never been any thing of any value to anyone" This pulled some energy out of many previous tappings including the energy my mother put on me and all my sisters that she wished she had never had any of us, the societal contempt of females that was running rampant in the Church and being bought as a piece of property for 750 a month or 600 a week as the case may be.

Thank you Mirror. That really helped. Another key from under the curtain.

Ex Mea Manua InTua Manua

Insomnia...the bane of all existance

I don't have much to say. I have been done in by a round of insomnia that has reeked total ruin on my day. I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP!!!!! I need a Kiki HUG!!!

OK. 'Nuff of that stuff.

A few whispers got through. Not much to note no big wave pushing the curtain off of a key.

But I got a lot of work in in spite of the exhaustion. That was good as it has been a major concern.

So here's to tomorrow. And maybe a Kiki hug not too far off in the future.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

What is in it for me?

This morning was an early wake up call. Not the longest night's sleep but it will do.

Starting the new job today. I hope I can sustain the hours.

I will have to make it so.

Thoughts in the night: Obsessing on this "House Slave" victim routine. Rob and Lisa get their ego trip playing Sir Galahad and Lady Bountiful. Pisses me off.

So what is in that for me? Where do I get my ego trip?

From spiritual power. Plain and simple. Being Wiccan is a power trip. Finding it channeling it using it.

Being OT well..need I say more ..the key word being OPERATING.

But as what? A non stop "I am right and you are wrong" manifestation.

Funny but I obsess about that from the Male sector and the Orthodoxy sector. Amazing what asserting rightness can do to ruin your life and your planet. Ouch..oh OUCH!.

The yoga of work is making a lot of sense as are the poems of Hafiz. No time to waste on obsessing. Not any more.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna.

Is it Easter Yet?

I'm not sure but I think this might be Easter Sunday. There are a few Internet articles to that effect anyway.

On my birthday my family and I engaged in some seriously traditional pagan festivities...feasting and fertility token hunting.

OK OK so I got my grand daughter a basket and hid more chocolate then is good for her in the house for her to find. Shoot me for claiming the Old Religion on the Saturday after Good Friday and before Easter.

So I have answered my own question. Yes it is Easter. What ever that means.

For me it meant cleaning out the mess Rob made out of Al's garage and risking a dose of Hanta Virus from all the rat shit layering the floor in there while I was at it. But the alternative is expecting his sister to do anything more then run away from the problem...just like she ran away from taking his urn home.
There it sits ...a little black energy hole. Pretty sad.

Like her brother, Lisa tends to throw money out to get what she wants. She barged into this house and went on a spending spree to get all the creature comforts her brother had not one bit of use for and quite frankly I didn't miss. Learning to do without gave me a very different view of American materialistic greed for possessions. I mean what is your enough level is not a bad question to ask people to see where they are at.

I have the yard and the mountains you see. What do I care if the frig is small? The trail of filth Rob left behind was controllable so it didn't effect me. If he wanted to sleep in rat crap or his own crap that was his choice.

Pretty sad to want to die that badly. I remember telling my oldest friend in life when I first moved in that the place looked like he was asking it to kill him.

So now...am I doing the same and bitching about it all the way down into darkness?I sure hope not. Though if I keep up all this physical work I may just. Goddess, what a mess that man made out this poor property. It isn't such a bad little place. The good news is he can't stop me from taking care of it the way I see fit.Not anymore.

I do know I don't want to live out my days here and this is just a short stop on a longer journey. First rebuild then remove to higher ground. Like Ecuador or New Zealand, some place with mountains and an ocean close to hand. Some place where it's green and the cost of living is reasonable.

A small condo with a view far enough inland to be out of the reach of global warning, yes...that is just enough.

Now there is also the Trivedi effect that goes in and out as far as energy is concerned. Had a great time of it this am. More gentle whispers and good thoughts of life. Then I went and blew it by being so pissed about the stupid damn garage and the rest of the mess in the house.

Oh well. I don't do well when surrounded by toxic filth it would seem. I doubt anyone would be joyful and buoyant facing the hell in that garage. And here I thought his rooms were bad. Actually they were as he didn't sleep in the garage.

But the work is as done as it is getting for now and that feels great. The trash is piled into the containers for Athens to pick up on Tuesday. I have a frig full of what I like to eat, I have my office and rooms well organized
and the spackling is done in that back room. Next weekend it will be more painting and maybe a box of glasses for the kitchen. After I get my first WLL check.

I think I need to go listen to some Schumann resonances. Get my head on straight..or at least a little straighter.See if I can find the connection I had this morning before the advent of the Rat Shit from Hell in Hades Garage.

I'll take a little if I can't get a lot at this point. Yes indeed.Besides there is a lot to be happy and grateful for...some of which is in the picture on this blog.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

Happy Moonlight and Birthday to Me

OK. So I missed a day. I shall have to go commit honorable Sepuku.Full moon on one side of midnight, birthday on the other.

I cleaned the house with the four Elements last night in the hours after true fullness. Good thinking, says I to me. Full moonlight just turning toward the dark. Perfect!
My late friend has been hanging around you see. Still ill wishing. Still not getting it. Slow learner for a guy with a 155 IQ. Good grief.
But then I could say that about me, now couldn't I?

Not Today.
Today I am gifted with great peace. Today I get to be thanks-filled. Today today today.

Today in the mirror I got to see others being who I am.
Today,in the mirror I saw the usury of others, in my hands reaching to take.
Today in the mirror I saw the harsh opinionated judgmental view of others sounding on my lips.
I once was blind but now I see.

Today,in the mirror, I see Her Face. Beloved Divine, showing me all these amazing things.
Today I hear the perfection of Her Voice.How wonderful is today...today ...today.

How can it get any better then this?

Now...what else is possible?





Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

The Day that Aflac Paid was Wrong

For the last 7 years I have had something happen so regularly that it is like the sun rising and then setting.

That is the day that I get my monthly check from Aflac.

It is always on the first Friday after the month closes. The month closes out on a Friday and then the next week we get paid.

I got paid on Thursday. I got paid today and that is impossible.I burst into tears. I couldn't stop crying. I went hysterical.

Why?

Simply this: I had been asking the Dr.Dain question "How else can the money show up? There is simply no way that Aflac ever pays other then Friday 1st after close.

I asked and Aflac paid on Thursday. And I lost it.

Because there it was, the Universe answering and doing it in a completely impossible way.

Totally impossible. Aflac never pays on Thursday. It's impossible.

All I could do was cry and ask why? Why all the suffering? Why all the hell to pay? You are the Unlimited Divine. What have I done that I am always being hurt and miserable and poor? Why do you hate me?YOU COULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY AND YOU LET ME GO ON THROUGH ALL THIS HELL???!!!!

Eventually I cried myself out. There was no answer there was just quiet and now. All the garbage of the years past stopped impacting.

Then the thought, I am unforgiven as I never forgive and the one I forgive never is me.

The world does not have to hate me and punish me. That I do very well on my own thank you very much.

And where is the reason to go on doing that now?

I don't know.

Something has gone.

I have no interest in looking for it. It is gone and now is now.

The landlord is not increasing his rent.I know where I stand at last.

I can live here.

I can sublet and charge what I want.

I have my new position.

I have money and can begin again.

l don't need to go back to the Shadow on the Porch of the Unforgiven.

The moon is up and it is beautiful. Tomorrow it will be full and the next day is my birthday.

How does it get any better then this? What else is possible?

How else can the money show up?

Ex mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.

From a Past Window with Bars

The continuing saga of the Trivedi Effect took a turn for the worst this am. I woke up with the Sea Org on my mind. Of course having flirted with my Scientologist car mechanic yesterday didn't help keep the old wounds and memories at bay.

But it was worth the return to the prison in the memory to cut out a few more bars.

Still the question remains...do I really want to be friends with any of the people involved with that group?

No. For their sake as well as my own. They will be harassed for knowing me and that is sad. But it is their realty.

Here in the dawn's first light a bit more of truth. I have such a button on discrimination and on people being excluded from having had both those things rammed down my throat by the people in that group.

I had a button on it before. They just made a super fuel explosion of it.

So where there is anger there is also something for you, says Dr. Dain.

So what is there in this for me? asks I.

Time and distance to look again are not a bad thing at all.Mr.Trivedi's list of emotional traumas ain't too shabby a thing to have on hand either.

The Story of MY Life if you want to call it that has been touched with betrayal and betraying. Where these things are, the Inner guidance system has been bleeping and bleeping, but I ignored the warnings. I went into a situation with misgivings or with a harmful intention.

Well, there you have it. Seems so simple just been ruining my life with it.

No biggie, right?

I get Guruji's focus. Hear the Inner GPS or suffer.

Now if I can just find a few more Q-tips to clean out my ears. Use a key from the curtain?

Ouch.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna.

The Unforgiven

I admit 3:55 am is a bit of an odd hour out for most folks. But then I am a bit of an odd person out.

I had an amazing early morning yesterday. After the sadness of the last blog's entry I went on to a morning full of promise and fullfillment.

Then I did my taxes.

The reality of what I had done to myself financially bit down on my weak little legs of joy like a rabid dog intent on pure revenge.

Still I went on to accomplish all I had set myself to do and prepare to face a rather grim day of reckoning.

All I had done to myself in being there both for my late friend and his sister was shoot myself financially in the worst way.

Story of my life I felt. Always trying to help be decent and ending up on the short end of things. Rather bitter and self pitying some would say.

Tough.

It's the truth of how I felt by the end of the day. And this is a conversation with me.

Sleep came easy. Thanks Mr. Trivedi. One of the most noted effects of those energy healing transmissions is a decent night's sleep.

How precious that is, in fact.

Then this morning at 3:00 0r so I was awake with the oddest image in my mind...Clint Eastwood's "The Unforgiven"

Not all of it. Just the ending where this formerly "redeemed" whining, self abusive man, kowtowing to his dead wife's virtue in the face of his own "sins" was on a killing rampage.

But for whom did he go back to committing deadly sin?

His dead friend tortured to death by the villain and propped up as a public warning to the world of bounty hunters. For a woman slashed in her face and soul. A whore and herself part of the Unforgiven.

Fascinating image of his voice coming from the pitch dark after having served what was a very interesting Justice, warning all that he would return if his friend wasn't buried decently or any whores were further harmed.

He had redeemed himself through sin, not from it.

No one is forgiven who is not whole and good with their own past actions. With their true selves warts and all.

He was a gunslinger. In a world where violence ruled, why not?Only those spreading a false doctrine had issue with it and they, like the man's dead wife, were rotting, full of worms. False. A lie.

Fascinating to wake up to this on the night after a Trivedi blessing.

There has been a great wind roaring across my soul from this. It has been blowing the curtain back and forth across the keys.

Ex Mea Manua, In Tua Manua, Justica Dea.

I suppose Sam would snicker

Today I feel like I usually do after a Trivedi transmission. Like I was run over by a 747. But hey, I signed up for it.

My writing"coach" of sorts, Sam Bennett would probably snicker to see me wrapped up in my Snugly slurping fresh squeezed grapefruit and lemon juice typing away. Can't see to write what the "IDEA" was anymore. Didn't even finish Kiki's coloring book.

Yet.

I like that word. Has a taste of future spiritual ice cream sundaes.

Trivedi was on it about sin last night though he never used the words. He talked about emotional trauma and how it comes to us and damages our lives.

Bad Parenting.

False Hope.

Being misguided or mislead

Cheated by others

Betrayal

Conspiracy.

Rather intense list. Little "Beats myself up at the drop of a dime" here went right into grief about all of the above as something I have done. My list of sins as it were.

The sadness of that still rings it's death toll on joy today.

In the end as we were praying,all I could ask for was forgiveness. Because I know I am undeserving. How can I be anything but? Didn't you read the last blog.? Thought I had made it past all the blame shame and regret.

Nope. The words "Grief Everlasting" come to mind. Seems I am writing that story after all.

I have been crying inwardly all my life. I was born into the world and in a very short time I knew what betrayal was. I have been crying ever since.

So I learned it all at an early age. But who am I to blame the mother that almost killed me? Isn't she someone struggling with her own pain too?

And I could have chosen differently. I chose. I chose to do all those things

I hurt the crap out of others and thus myself.

So where does the forgiveness start? Does it ever? How does one do that and let it go? Be interesting to learn that after all these years.

Last night the winds tore out across the face of Altadena and our main thorough fare is blocked.

Last night the winds of Trivedi tore across my soul and the joy that was for a moment mine, is blocked. I still haven't found the key it would seem.

Yet.

To Ward or Not to Ward, This is the Question

Given that I am an unabashed practitioner of the old Religion, (and for those of you that have a problem with that, I do have solution...it's two words long and they ain' t Happy Birthday) the question of ethics and the use of power is not much of a question. It is summed up very nicely in the following:

"Curses come home to roost."

But what about defense? Given that life is a learning and that in paganism, as I practice it, there is no good or evil, only good and better, what then? If you are perceiving, as I have, that someone is going out of their way to ill wish you, do you defend yourself?

Well, I don't know about anyone else out there in the Moonlight but I did.

Now two years later, I am looking at the end results. Pretty big. All of the people that had been ill wishing me have had a serious change in fortune and not for the better. All but one has gone on to a somewhat better situation having learned and moved on.

But then so have I.

Yesterday the door was blocked to the future. Letting the keys come out from under the curtain and just listening for the whispers from the Inner Realm brought some very fine things to light. Including what my Learning was.

You see, I had never done Warding before as a Solitaire. Never invoked the Power to protect myself in the Dark of the Moon. It worked but it wasn't clean.

There was someone very specific that I was thinking of and it came down on this person very, very hard. When I saw that and tried to undo it the Whisper was very loud and clear.

"What has been done cannot be undone...not by you."

Well, heck then, say I, served him right. He was,after all, intending that my life be total failure to gain control of it via money. Abusive to say the least, in so many ways beyond financial. Pretty nice justification,huh?

But then why am I conflicted about it? Why do I feel responsible for the outcome?

Because it wasn't clean. This person was firmly in mind at the Dark of the Moon when I set this Warding in motion.I even made note of it in my diary that this person was never going to get that all the stuff that they were sending out was coming back on them, threefold. It was a curse of my own and it came home to roost.

But then did it?

Yesterday I would have said so. Not today.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua, Dea Eterna is not a bad place to be in.

Just yesterday the keys were under the curtain. Now there are so many being found. Including the biggest one:

No Fate Is Shared.

It is not mine or anyone else's to be responsible for the Fate of another, only my own. No fate is shared. That is in the hands of the Creator, when you live...when you die wh.at your learning is. You determined that before you were born

No Fate is shared. A Life may be shared with another but your Fate is your own.

So, Ward. yes, but never with anyone in mind. Don't stand there being a victim of someone else's madness. Know also that the Lesson will be there if you do, or you don't get protection from Her.

Know that drawing a line in the earth against deliberate and malicious harm is an act of love but know also, that you must make it so when you act. And if you can't act out of love, better not to act at all.

Ex Mea Manua, In Tua Manua.