I suppose Sam would snicker

Today I feel like I usually do after a Trivedi transmission. Like I was run over by a 747. But hey, I signed up for it.

My writing"coach" of sorts, Sam Bennett would probably snicker to see me wrapped up in my Snugly slurping fresh squeezed grapefruit and lemon juice typing away. Can't see to write what the "IDEA" was anymore. Didn't even finish Kiki's coloring book.

Yet.

I like that word. Has a taste of future spiritual ice cream sundaes.

Trivedi was on it about sin last night though he never used the words. He talked about emotional trauma and how it comes to us and damages our lives.

Bad Parenting.

False Hope.

Being misguided or mislead

Cheated by others

Betrayal

Conspiracy.

Rather intense list. Little "Beats myself up at the drop of a dime" here went right into grief about all of the above as something I have done. My list of sins as it were.

The sadness of that still rings it's death toll on joy today.

In the end as we were praying,all I could ask for was forgiveness. Because I know I am undeserving. How can I be anything but? Didn't you read the last blog.? Thought I had made it past all the blame shame and regret.

Nope. The words "Grief Everlasting" come to mind. Seems I am writing that story after all.

I have been crying inwardly all my life. I was born into the world and in a very short time I knew what betrayal was. I have been crying ever since.

So I learned it all at an early age. But who am I to blame the mother that almost killed me? Isn't she someone struggling with her own pain too?

And I could have chosen differently. I chose. I chose to do all those things

I hurt the crap out of others and thus myself.

So where does the forgiveness start? Does it ever? How does one do that and let it go? Be interesting to learn that after all these years.

Last night the winds tore out across the face of Altadena and our main thorough fare is blocked.

Last night the winds of Trivedi tore across my soul and the joy that was for a moment mine, is blocked. I still haven't found the key it would seem.

Yet.