The key behind the curtain to chocolate

The week was a complete energy drain and very frustrating. But it is over and I am home. There is fresh cold air hitting the San Gabriel mountains and I am willing to bet the snow level is down ...way down.

I keep trying to sing. It is the life purpose that I abandoned so long ago I actually can't remember when I did it. The music of the 80's was so boring and I lost my creative touch somewhere in the nuclear ash of all the betrayals that were starting to mount in my life.

How that will pan out is still unclear, but the fact is I am singing silly little rephrases of songs I know for the "moment to hand" I know it isn't appreciated by those who hear it but I keep doing it anyway.

I used to use singing to shut out the pain and the loneliness. I was happier when I was singing. I had to keep my focus and the workout of my lungs gave me a good rush.

This all relates to the key to the chocolate. The fat. The unhealthy lifestyle that I am just not fixing.

I want to be healthy again but the energy patterns that are shifting around are a vortex of grief and dispersal. I bounce back and forth in the house stuffing nuts in my mouth from the kitchen and then going back to get nothing at all done.

Like a caged animal with nothing better to do then pace and eat or slurp water.

Then I lay down and over sleep.

I think this is called depression.

I should know. It has been the most constant companion in my life.

But about the key.

All this toxic energy stuff is blowing up in my face to be resolved. And the really truly bad eating started after I abandoned my music to be on staff at the next great pile of conspirators, New York C of S. The energy got shifted again by Christine wanting a resume and I had to look again at where all my training experience started.

Man,did I feel ashamed.

I look at all Christine's circle and I see the accomplishments and kudos.

I have nothing to compare as I left what I was doing to be on staff.

I still cry about this. It hurts to this day. It is one of those Grief Everlasting entries in my life.

Mr. Trivedi addressed that and he was right. The emotional trauma of your life will cripple you for your whole life in ways that you will not recognized until it is too late.

This shit has it's seat in me and I carry it with me. Some people call it baggage and condescend to tell you it is something you can choose to freely drop.

I think of it as scars. Scars that healed over but never really healed or went back to the way that was. Some ooze gangrene and pus from time to time
Eric just had a realization about this from the conspiracy of his own employees stealing his client data base and company out from under him. It was so refreshing to reminded of how honest this guy can be. And how human.

The bad news is this crap really is a part of life.

The good news is there is recognition and then there can be healing.

I stopped running back then too. All my best healthy habits went by the boards and so did my health and weight.

So there is the key to the chocolate and the pacing and the depression.

The biggest betrayal of my life was from me. And then letting my given word and loyalty be used to stick me in a situation that was not to my advantage at all. It was one of the most destructive hideous nightmares I ever got myself into and I went insane from it. Totally bonkers right down to wanting to end it all.

And so it goes and has gone.

Let the ending begin. Healer, heal thyself.

Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.