Been a bit fogged out over the weekend. Noticing things going downhill since Friday. No room mate no money no solution ,soon no where to live ..again. Roller coaster up and down. Fogged in with paranoia and very depressed with "why can't a truck just run me over I would rather be dead then live like this" thoughts. Bit bizarre actually, given the text of the last few entries.
Did some Access techniques and got myself locked out of my car. Did Tapping and felt like I had cleared a little space to breath but something was still wrong.
Then "They" were on the line again. They were the last thing I thought of making a connection to in this grey mental fog and spiritual yuckiness.
Them. It was their energy, their grey cloud of paranoia and death.
The Sea Org.
Actually calling me on my land line. A complete shock. Totally floored me.
Here I thought I had gotten rid of them once and for all by demanding refund...and worse yet...getting it.
I mean that makes me the Suppressive of the Century. Taking back money for services not rendered. Dirty dog bitch! Get thee gone and don't come back...or so I thought.
Thanks to the Internet they got my phone. And were on it calling me and lying as usual. IF they got my phone they had my address. The person who called was claiming to want to verify my address, an innocuous enough activity seemingly, But with the Sea Org things are never what they seem.
The land line they called on is in my name less then a month. And they had the address. The woman who called made it sound like they had the wrong street number. I didn't catch that at first I was so floored that they were even calling.
But I still refused to verify it for her.
I have moved since I refunded in 2007. So I know for a fact I never gave them any part of my new address as I moved here in April after I refunded in January 2007. So they dug it up with the phone and were lying about it.
It gets better. I told this woman Lisa I was had refunded and she claimed to not know that. She asked why and we went around Robins barn on my not wanting to discuss it. Then "miraculously" there was an OT 5 who "just wanted"to talk to me, and was so instantly on the phone line I accused them of having me on a three way call. I think I got lied to about that too, but it was of course denied.
Next one up was a person by the name of Sandy. Very good at what she does I will give her that. I did tell her my tale and the energy charge it pushed up was a surprise too. Thought I had done with it.
Nope.
But hey, it had to be the worst nightmare of my life. It only lasted some 30 years. Truth be told I have lost count of the keys that came from under the curtain in that time and I would be a liar to deny the benefit. And today and yesterday I found some more, Goddess bless the little rascals. But there was still something there hurting after all these years.
After hearing me out this Sandy started in with her story. But in the course of hearing me out she had made a critical error. She told me she had my folders to hand when she read a certain date out of them by way of confirming a part in my tale. And said so. She had my folders.
No one, not even upper eschelon Church can get a folder that fast from out of the American Saint Hill.
She had had it all along. This was totally orchestrated between the two of them. And what little hope I had begun to feel from being well heard and seen( as she was listening and seeing very kindly and well indeed), sank into a pit full of ash and sorrow. They were back, still lying and nothing had changed.
Except me.
In the end I told her my decision to refund was based on the fact that loyalty is not a one way street. I can't be loyal to any one or thing that consistently is not loyal to me and has thrown me under the bus more times then I care to think about.
She did a "yeah ..but" .
I am sure you have heard the "Yeah, but...as in "yeah that is a point of ....."(fill in the blank) and you are right,but....now I get to make MY point" and tear you down.
Yes, there is a point of integrity here she said and no one would deny it ....but....you made the wrong decision.
Her words exactly with some editing to spare myself the re entrance into her end of the conversation and just to get to the point. I of course was wrong, no matter what they on their parts had done. I had made the wrong choice.
But here is how They, the Good Guys the Sea Org,were now going to begin to make it right again.
It was pretty much the same strategy I have seen the Sea Org use over and over.
Get the person to talk a bit, blow up the energy in their face of their upset acknowledge that they were right to be upset and then go on to talk about how it has all changed now and it is better and "here now we are going to( insert what ever the new thing they are doing is, this time) to make it right."
In this case they were sending around a disc of a big event from July of 2007 to folks like me who are gone for what ever reason and straight from good Ole David Miscaviage himself ,no doubt.
So here we go again...the definition of insanity.
I could have done what I have always done in the past...fallen for it and accepted their offer to make nice.
Going on hoping for a different result from doing the same exact thing.
Not this time. Thank you Dr Einstein..thank you Guruji Trivedi, thank you Margaret Lynch thank you Dr. Dain and Thank you Beloved Divine. Make that last one triple thanks... and more.
Gratia Dea Ad Eternam and Ad Infinitam.
I didn't get crazy or mad. I just said"No" firmly and calmly to their offer to mail me this thing and thus indicate I was willing to start the round all over again. Engage again. Get back in the conversation again.
Nope.
The ice went onto the phone line in a blast straight out of the Arctic. The withdraw tactic Sandy pulled was creating such a vacuum I felt it tug me forward into the phone.
I did get sad...it is sad to realize one has been being lied to again under an offer of help...that help is being betrayed again...and I still held my ground and still said no. Don't send me anything. This feels like going backwards to me. I have moved on I said.
In the end we parted into our own worlds with civility. I spent some truly( and truly not surprisingly) Serious Quality Time on the phone with my oldest friend in the world, coming down off the shock into the outrage of the manipulations and deceit.
May all in the world know the joy of the gift of true friendship of long duration.
And here I am this morning looking it over for more keys.
There was no chance happenstance in this encounter. I had just had a Trivedi Energy Transmission and I was in the midst of some serious angst on my life going into it. I had been working energy healing as well out of EFT and Access just before the grey cloud descended and things began to go wrong...badly.
The flavor of that angst, just before Guruji's transmission turned out to be identical to the flavor of the angst during the "Bruce Dodds- get -the -woman -that- I -beat -made -out -to -be- the-bad -guy- and -hounded-out-of -the-tribe "debacle that began my exit from the world of Scientology. Nice little key that one seeing the emotional pattern there.
Truth be told,the keys came shaking down from the Church curtain so heavily,it was like fallout from a nuclear cloud.
Being treated so demeaningly by Sea Org staff...and what do I fight in my life to this day? Demeaning cold rude people.
Being poor with no way to hang onto my home...well well here I am again. Funny how that happens.
Preaching to the world the importance of ME...in constant combat with the coldness, the heartless uncaring and total denigration that was the overall response to me trying to stay a part of that tribe from those who were supposed to, by reason of job and duty, to "help" me.
There were some individual exceptions in terms of decency and humanity through out the time, but in the end these decent few were defeated and in fact their kindness only prolonged the time I spent trying to be accepted again and getting more and more wounds. Nice key in that, too. Truly nice people blindly trying to keep you in an ugly situation out of their own desire to help.
Here's a great key. I now refuse to be a part of any tribe again...even when offered one on a silver platter from a truly decent person named Justin not two months ago. And he was not the first to offer a new tribe and get rejected.
Nope...no more tribes for me....tribes are made of two faced cannibals that feed off your flesh spiritually speaking and leave you walking around a barely strung together skeleton oozing grief and a desire to die just to end the pain that is now your existence.
Nice key that one. To be human is to be in interaction with others...to be part of a tribe...of friends of family. So I in response to these cannibals,have been staying tribe less...a lone wolf as it were.
Here's a goodie of a key and EFT didn't get all of it.
Hatred of money and people who have it... that started with my parents and got tapped really thoroughly under Margaret Lynch...but it still is there and I knew it. I have kept working at it but it didn't go.
Well that hate got solidly re enforced at a later date the Margaret works by the church staff who had no time for me...only time for "Important cycles ...people with 14 intensives of auditing paid for" thousands of dollars of services= money= important= "you are poor so you are not important...go drop dead of your asbestos poisoning we don't care, there is no money in it for us, so what if you got this crap in your lungs in church service at Ground Zero... we have too many important people to take care of...call and make an appointment".
And if I called I was told to leave a message and no matter how many I left no one returned the call until I simply gave up and got my money back.
I was the outcast never to be admitted again. Period. Outcast from a tribe that turned into spiritual cannibals, eating all the energy I had strength to give until there was none. And death to this day looked like a relief.
This was the attitude the actions and words, that had me stating I would rather be dead then be rich to myself over and over again. Talking to myself for years, as there was no one to hear me, but one or two truly good friends. And only one had the full story or gave enough of a damn to hear it.
This was the emotional trauma that left me feeling shattered and unwhole and unclean. Defiled and discarded as worthless.
Funny but, I as I said, I was working on being in of the Now using the techniques of Access Consciousness when things started going from bad to worse and the grey cloud moved in. Just before Guruji's energy transmission on Sunday I was hysterical with grief because I had no money to go to his retreat this month.
Then I decided I would not be shut out because of money again. Over and over I said this to myself and out loud...I will not be shut out again because of money.
And low and behold, Monday afternoon, the Sea Org, the tribe that has value for you in direct proportion to the size of your bank account is on the phone claiming to be looking to verify my address. The ones who shut me out and made it clear it was due to lack of money amongst every other thing that they had judged me valueless and downright evil for.
Dear Goddess my life has been dictated to this day by this old combat.
Key of magnitude in that. "To this day,
but no further."
Job 38:11
" Hither thou shalt also come...but no further"
It was, and is and every shall be my choice. My life, my keys to find.
I said "No"
Really, someone in all this had to take responsibility for ending the Insanity. Too bad for them it was me.
Ex Mea Manua In Tua Manua Dea Eterna.
